5am. Insomnia. Obsession.


My obsession with connecting with people is monumental. I am on forums, on chat sites, just sitting at my computer with a pain in my neck, aching and fighting my body to go to sleep. I am obsessed. Obsessed with trying to find someone. What exactly am I looking for? I wish I knew. I had a brief encounter with the Texan tonight. By brief, I mean I held up the conversation and helped him get off, which means I got absolutely nothing out of it. The thing is I don’t even care. I am dead inside, so hollow. I don’t even care that men are just using me now. I might as well be a Sperm Bank.

Things are getting nuts. I feel like I have no soul. I am on a Sex Forum right now, and I think everyone hates me there. I ignored all the friend requests because I know they are all horny. Where is my articulate man? But when I think about it, do I really want to find someone? I am hopelessly in love with my best friend, but sexually he does nothing for me. Do I even need sex? I mean it has been 7 years. Seven whole years since I have had sex. I can’t believe it. I mean I almost had sex a month ago. I hit up an old friend of mine I have known for like 10 years on and off. I know he always wanted to have sex with me. I just never let him. Well I was going to let him, and I basically had my pussy on a platter for him. But what does he do? I am a 30 minute car drive away and he would rather sext, than come over and give me a good hard screw. (God I hate censorship, but be warned WordPress can literally label your blog “mature” without telling you for using profanity and your tags become useless cause you aren’t seen anywhere anymore). Anyway, he missed his chance. That was the only time I considered breaking my “dry spell” streak.

So here I am. Stuck in this life. I got some good news though. The Disability Board are working on my case so I should hear something by July. God, I hope they hurry up so I can look for a job. This is killing me. I need SOMETHING in my life. I need a man to fawn over me, worship me. I need to be wanted, needed, like so frickin’ badly. I stay awake at night hoping to meet someone. For what purpose? Where will it get me? The only potential person I was even close to meeting I said my usual “goodbye” to and ran for the hills because he was getting “too close.” How do I stop myself from doing this? I don’t know what the hell I am doing really. I have been writing a ton the past few days too. I hope my followers aren’t hating my guts that they are following a crazy woman who spews utter nonsense at insane hours of the night.

I just wish this made sense.  I just wish I had some answers. Where are you? Where are you love of my life? I think I have waited for you long enough.

And the madness continues.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
This entry was posted in Bipolar, Online Encounters, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to 5am. Insomnia. Obsession.

  1. Cinn says:

    Stop. You can do it. Log off. delete.

    Stop interacting with people who use you and leave you feeling empty… I know you don’t believe that you deserve more right now… But you do

    Take time to breathe and regroup. Know you are love… and loved ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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