Where do you find your joy? In writing? Reading? Gaming? Dating? Painting? We all come to a point in our lives where we forget why we are “here.” Through all the bitching and whining that we do, do we stop and forget what “joy” really is? Did we forget the real reason why we are here? Isn’t the goal to find joy and some minuscule purpose of existing that will translate in to some form of happiness?
I read a friend’s blog post, where he basically threw out what he called “word vomit” and basically said that he felt he was becoming bored with talking about the same things over and over again. I have to say I relate. I have been looking over my past blog posts and thinking to myself, how many times am I going to mention that I started over? How many times am I going to cry about bipolar? How many times am I going to complain about my addictions, (chatrooms, alcoholism, online relationships)? It seems to be the same story over and over again. That’s why last night I went to “Paint Night” here on Long Island. You get together, have some dinner and wine, and just paint. Now I have done a couple of paintings before, but I am particularly impressed with my latest creation, (see above). I think it represents me in a way. I am like a dark tree, where I have some hint of color of life in me, but they are all on top, or at the surface. But what lies underneath is a dark mass with just a hint of life. Is this what my life had become? Just a “dark tree?”
I contemplated this, as I sat down last night and thought about going into a chatroom. I don’t really want to connect anymore. I think I am done being used by these men. The other night, the Texan got his jollies and left, basically using me. And you know what? I didn’t even care. I was totally oblivious to the fact that I was “acting” sexy to get him off, and I felt absolutely nothing during the whole thing. Now usually, I would be incredibly hurt, or feel like crap. But I didn’t. I didn’t give a damn. And last night when I got home from Paint Night, I didn’t want to see him online. I didn’t want to see ANYONE.
Which brings me to my point. Do I NEED anyone right now? Is any relationship going to work for me? I mentioned before (well many times) that I needed to get rid of all my connections online and one of them was my bipolar friend, and I regretted it. Well we reconnected and I have to say I was happy about it. I really had no reason to leave him as he has always been a good friend to me. But as far as the rest of them goes, who the hell needs them? They were just bringing me down anyway.
I have a plan for my life in place. I am going to stay with my parents until my Dad passes on, (which he will in the next few years). Then it will just be my mom and sister with me until my sister gets married. Then it will just be me and my mom, (I have no intention of leaving her in a nursing home). After that well, I have my best friend, who is also my ex, (we had sexual issues that’s why we aren’t together), and we will just live the rest of our lives together as companions. Not too bad right? In between all that, I hope to get a Civil Service job so I have a great pension waiting for me. Not a bad life huh?
So I guess it really comes down to is I HAVE joy in my life. I have a direction, I have a plan, I have a purpose. So why am I sitting here complaining? I know the bipolar is rough and I have some bad days, but is it all REALLY so bad? I don’t think it is. I don’t need to date. I don’t need to find someone. I have my best friend in my life (my rock and shoulder for the past 7 years), so what’s the problem? There is none. I am the “dark tree” by choice, and choice only. I need to focus more on those beautiful purple flowers on my branches more than anything else. The rest shall come, so we will wait and see.