Alone. I find myself here. Kind of stuck in my own thoughts, struggling to write, How do you deal with being Alone? I mean like really Alone? Sure you could fill your time with hobbies, TV, reading or the internet, but what if you’re just BORED? I mean like bored with life and living all together. I always thought to myself that boring people were bored, but what if they feel a genuine emptiness in their hearts? How do you fill that? Do you fill it with things, activities, working out, and hobbies? What if you just don’t care?
I realize I am talking from a bipolar standpoint. I feel myself sinking into a kind of depression where I just don’t “feel” like doing anything. I had my whole day planned as I tried to finally get some rest last night. I thought to myself, “tomorrow is a new day, gonna get shit done!” Now that tomorrow is here, I don’t “want” to DO anything. I have always had a hard time getting going. My interest in school and activities when I was younger was almost nil. I enjoyed having my imagination, watching TV and pretending that I was part of the cast of whatever I was watching. Now these fucking pills took everything away from me. I am so mad that I don’t FEEL. I am so mad that in my alone time I don’t FEEL anything anymore. I have absolutely NO imagination anymore. I hate being stable. It is so crippling. I have so much to look forward to but I just HATE living. I hate the way I look, I hate everything around me. I even hate this beautiful day. That can’t be right, can it? I am so lost. I know it’s just another one of these goddamn bipolar moods again. Ugh, I said I wasn’t going to make a self-pity post.
Okay focus. The subject was, how do you deal with being alone? I guess the bigger question is how do you deal with being alone WITHOUT feeling lonely? I wish I had some girlfriends, or just someone to talk to. I know I should be applying for jobs right now, but I just can’t. This feels like a mountain. I am sitting here, my hands are on the keyboard, I am watching the screen and all I want to do is cry. This feels so hard. I can’t even pray because I have no faith. God doesn’t speak to me anymore. I wish I felt love in my heart, love for myself. Just love in general.
Blink, blink. The cursor is just waiting for me to type. I know I have a few people in my life, so why am I so lonely? I feel like I am screaming on the inside and no one can hear me. I want to connect but I just can’t. Today is a hard day. Much harder than it should be. I had such aspirations for today, but it just turned into shit. I am hoping for a better tomorrow. Please, Dear God, let tomorrow be better. Sorry this turned out to be a terrible post. Sorry you had to read it. We will see if I have something better to say tomorrow.