Coming Down off the High and Sinking in Sin

angel and devil

So I have been particularly manic over the past week or so, and I think I am finally coming down. I have been wrestling with my spirituality and some of the other aspects of my whorish existence. I said goodbye to Superman last night, (the married man), because we both agreed that our continued communication would lead to disastrous results. I didn’t want it to end so soon, or so suddenly, but either way it had to end, and I am just a bit sad. But who I am kidding? All forms of online relationships ultimately have an expiration date.

So what am I doing? Showing my tits and getting men off. That was my day today. I even attempted to just show my tits in a public chatroom and just sit there and have conversations with men as they ogled me. What is going on with me? I feel like such a whore in the eyes of the Lord. It was no accident that “The Book of Eli” was on this afternoon, kind of to remind me of his Holy presence even in the most subtle ways.

Ultimately though, I think I have just hit a new low. I am feeling bad about myself and using my “assets” rather than my brains to get attention from men. I spoke to my bipolar friend last night, and he warned me that I might hit the low, and to be careful that everything doesn’t come crashing down. Well it has, and I couldn’t feel worse about myself. I feel almost outside my body looking in at the worst version of myself. Who am I? What happened to me along the way?

I was thinking that in order to get over my married man (my Superman), I would have to just collect men like a Factory and just spit them all out, you know, the way they do with women. That’s kind of what I did today, but the only thing is, I don’t feel good about it. I am wrestling with my conscience and my morals now, as the “Sinner” and the “Saint” in me are doing battle. I know I am not harming anyone, because it is just simple exhibition and masturbation, but why is it hurting my moral code and spirituality? I know why though. It’s wrong, and it doesn’t feel right, yet I keep doing it. I have been breaking a lot of my own rules, especially since I got involved with the married man.

I wish I could fix this. I wish I had my dignity back and I didn’t feel like such a slag. I suppose with time I will learn to deal with the bipolar symptoms better, instead of just crashing in deep lows, and flying in deep highs. Bipolar life is hard, especially when real life seems so far away, and you’re buried in the online world of sin and desperation. I am deep into my internet addiction and I just can’t see past the screen anymore. Hopefully I see t he light soon.

Prayers for myself and for anyone else struggling right now.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
This entry was posted in Bipolar, Online Encounters, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Coming Down off the High and Sinking in Sin

  1. Cinn says:

    It does hurt someone… you. And I suspect that’s exactly what you want subconsciously

    You can’t out-sin God my friend.
    He’s got you. You may be in the ditch but you don’t have to stay there.
    ❤️ sending you sparkly love ❤️ ✨

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hope says:

    Stay strong. As long as you are focused on dealing with this disease and your life you will find a way.

    Liked by 1 person

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