So it’s official. My 37 year-old cousin is FINALLY getting married. I have to say, not only am I jealous and distraught over it, but I am being completely selfish about it too. How dare she? We were supposed to die as old maids with a bunch of cats. As I thought about her, and my own life, my sadness melted away and I am actually really happy for her. Our lives have different paths. And honestly, she has been living with this guy for about 5 years now, so it’s about god damn time he asked her to marry him. I mean what’s the hold up? I remember her last boyfriend strung her along for close to 15 years who “didn’t believe in marriage.” That was the biggest crock I ever heard. You’re with someone for more than a decade and you don’t “believe” in marriage? Ugh. Anyway, good for her, I am glad she finally got the commitment she always wanted.
As for me, I was bawling last night. All of it came crashing down, and I had myself a really good cry. I don’t know what brought it on really, it could be the yo-yo of emotion I am going through because of all the bipolar shit, or it could be that I was genuinely disappointed in myself. I had just finished having a four-hour conversation with this guy I had orgasmic sex with last week, and I realized that even though he “claimed” he wasn’t interested in just sex, he was forever tainted to me. I don’t know, he was really horny and kept steering the conversation towards sex, and honestly, I was really getting turned off. No matter what he said or did, I thought in my mind that he just wanted sex and I felt sick to my stomach about it. Is this what my life has become? A concubine for men online to just jerk off to, while my cousin is approaching her nuptials? When was I gonna grow the fuck up?
I told the Pilot last night, (after I had finished bawling my eyes out), that maybe I should start dating again and leave the online world behind. For a split second I thought about it, then I was knocked back into reality. Did I really want to go back into online dating? Do I need all those penis pictures and cheap lines for casual sex? Come on, let’s face it, 75% of the guys on those sites are just looking for sex. And that last 25%? Well they know they are a good catch, so they are “keeping their options open.” Now I am not man-bashing in any way. This is just what it is. For women and men. I think for the most part women don’t want to settle either. So why was I really crying? I know it can’t be that I was jealous of my cousin getting married, I have a great life. I have a good time online, and I have a man in my life (my best friend), who I am destined to grow old with. So what’s the problem with me?
Honestly, I think it’s the “idea” of the “wedding.” I believe in the fairy tale. I want a man to devote himself to me forever in front of all of our friends and families and live happily ever after. I mean who doesn’t want that? But, jokes on me, it’s a fantasy. There is NO SUCH THING as happily ever after. Sure, you could be in love and everything, but for a person like me? I think I would be miserable. How am I gonna show my tits to random men and get off? How am I going to keep all my online boyfriends? How will keep my freedom and be married? And then I will actually have to LIVE with a man again. Ugh, three times won’t be a charm for me. The first two times were no picnic.
Anyway, I am happy with the way things are. I see a bright future ahead. I even see things developing with Kurio too, even though he is pretty guarded. All in all I have a good life. It’s me, my job, my family, my best friend, my bipolar friend from the UK, and my bipolar. Even though it is not ideal, it is what I have. I also have my many suitors that take care of me in other ways. The Pilot, the UK guy, and Kurio all have their place in my life. So I am not getting married. Big deal. Nothing to cry over or get dramatic about. I have a companion to spend the rest of my life with. I think in the end, that’s all I really need.
No more wedding blues for me.