Lust, Confusion, Pain and So Much Fear


So today I woke up in an incredibly horny state, but in a total fog of confusion and pain as well. My head is not on straight. I think I am fighting off both mania and depression at the same time. Have you ever felt ripped in half? I do, I am in total uncertainty. I spent 12 hours chatting yesterday with Arkansas Man, (I can’t think of a more creative name because my head is total mess), and today I woke up in a haze, almost like a bad hangover.

Arkansas Man really has an annoying personality; he comes off as rude and is kind of a jerk. But do I like that? I don’t even think so. I am drowning. This feels like I am spiraling down into a deep abyss. I have absolutely no one I can talk about this with because I have shut the door on my bipolar friend. Honestly? I think it’s time I back off from him for a while. He’s got a lot going on, and I feel like I can’t count on him anymore. He really let me down, and I can’t take that type of behavior at this point in my life. I have my therapist today and my doctor tomorrow. I really, REALLY need to start taking care of myself.

I am not feeling good. I am getting lost and losing myself. I turned my back on the Pilot and I also haven’t heard from Kurio. I feel like I need to get fucked. Like some real, dirty raunchy sex. What is happening to me? I can’t get a grip. I don’t think meds can fix this, and I am very scared. I am really having a hard time and I don’t know what to do. I called my best friend, but he is at work and he suggested I call my family. I don’t want to worry them. I really don’t know what to do. I am so, so scared. I feel like I am drowning so fast and I have absolutely no one who can help me. I haven’t been this lost in so long, and I am trying my best to hold things together. Hold on, little one, hold on just a little bit longer. If I can make it through the next two hours, or the next two minutes, I think I will be okay. I don’t want to go to the hospital, they will give me so much drugs. I am so frightened. Why am I so scared?

Focus. I came here to write. Focus. Don’t let it slip away. There is a war going on inside of me. Bipolar is so terrible. I wish I understood it. God, I really need my bipolar friend today, but I can’t reach out to him, he will just let me down. I have no one to call, no one to talk me through this. I am not suicidal so I can’t call a suicide hotline. I am just 50 shades of Bipolar. That’s what this is. It’s like a rollercoaster of emotion I am feeling. So many different feelings going through my being, into my soul. It almost feels like a spiritual awakening, like when something is forcing its way out of a cocoon.  Could it be, that something is happening to me? Is it because I bonded with the Pilot spiritually and now I am ignoring him, I am getting a universal backlash? Ugh, come on, that’s crazy talk.

My lust was insatiable this morning. I climaxed two times in a row, both to porn and some seedy man on the internet. I feel so dirty, so unpure. Maybe I should beg for God’s forgiveness? I am so lost. I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole. Down, down, down, she goes. There is no bottom though. Just blackness at the bottom. Just a deep dark hole of despair.

Please God, get me through the next two hours. Please God get me through the next five minutes. I am really, really scared. I almost feel like a little girl again, right after my Dad gave me a lashing. Crying in the corner, scared, confused and so, so alone. Please help. I am so, so  alone. Just two more hours, just five more minutes. I can do this. I am stronger than this. I have kicked Bipolar’s ass before, I can do it again. I just wish someone was there to hold my hand, or just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Please help.

The tears are coming now.

So dirty, so unpure and shunned in God’s eyes.

Just keep it together a little more.

Just a little more.

Stay tuned.


About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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2 Responses to Lust, Confusion, Pain and So Much Fear

  1. There’s nothing wrong with feeling horny or cumming to porn or whatever else. It’s just puritanical America that would like us to feel that way.


  2. Daniel Peterson says:

    I stared into the mirror. She sidled up beside and pronounced, “Narcissus.” What?! I shrieked. But she was the one wandering the halls naked. They gave her liquid lithium. Knocked her to nothin. They gave me liquid lithium. Left me in bed. I guess some things just ain’t meant to be. Like happiness and hospitals in unity.


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