So today I woke up in an incredibly horny state, but in a total fog of confusion and pain as well. My head is not on straight. I think I am fighting off both mania and depression at the same time. Have you ever felt ripped in half? I do, I am in total uncertainty. I spent 12 hours chatting yesterday with Arkansas Man, (I can’t think of a more creative name because my head is total mess), and today I woke up in a haze, almost like a bad hangover.
Arkansas Man really has an annoying personality; he comes off as rude and is kind of a jerk. But do I like that? I don’t even think so. I am drowning. This feels like I am spiraling down into a deep abyss. I have absolutely no one I can talk about this with because I have shut the door on my bipolar friend. Honestly? I think it’s time I back off from him for a while. He’s got a lot going on, and I feel like I can’t count on him anymore. He really let me down, and I can’t take that type of behavior at this point in my life. I have my therapist today and my doctor tomorrow. I really, REALLY need to start taking care of myself.
I am not feeling good. I am getting lost and losing myself. I turned my back on the Pilot and I also haven’t heard from Kurio. I feel like I need to get fucked. Like some real, dirty raunchy sex. What is happening to me? I can’t get a grip. I don’t think meds can fix this, and I am very scared. I am really having a hard time and I don’t know what to do. I called my best friend, but he is at work and he suggested I call my family. I don’t want to worry them. I really don’t know what to do. I am so, so scared. I feel like I am drowning so fast and I have absolutely no one who can help me. I haven’t been this lost in so long, and I am trying my best to hold things together. Hold on, little one, hold on just a little bit longer. If I can make it through the next two hours, or the next two minutes, I think I will be okay. I don’t want to go to the hospital, they will give me so much drugs. I am so frightened. Why am I so scared?
Focus. I came here to write. Focus. Don’t let it slip away. There is a war going on inside of me. Bipolar is so terrible. I wish I understood it. God, I really need my bipolar friend today, but I can’t reach out to him, he will just let me down. I have no one to call, no one to talk me through this. I am not suicidal so I can’t call a suicide hotline. I am just 50 shades of Bipolar. That’s what this is. It’s like a rollercoaster of emotion I am feeling. So many different feelings going through my being, into my soul. It almost feels like a spiritual awakening, like when something is forcing its way out of a cocoon. Could it be, that something is happening to me? Is it because I bonded with the Pilot spiritually and now I am ignoring him, I am getting a universal backlash? Ugh, come on, that’s crazy talk.
My lust was insatiable this morning. I climaxed two times in a row, both to porn and some seedy man on the internet. I feel so dirty, so unpure. Maybe I should beg for God’s forgiveness? I am so lost. I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole. Down, down, down, she goes. There is no bottom though. Just blackness at the bottom. Just a deep dark hole of despair.
Please God, get me through the next two hours. Please God get me through the next five minutes. I am really, really scared. I almost feel like a little girl again, right after my Dad gave me a lashing. Crying in the corner, scared, confused and so, so alone. Please help. I am so, so alone. Just two more hours, just five more minutes. I can do this. I am stronger than this. I have kicked Bipolar’s ass before, I can do it again. I just wish someone was there to hold my hand, or just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay.
The tears are coming now.
So dirty, so unpure and shunned in God’s eyes.
Just keep it together a little more.
Just a little more.