Fall, My Favorite Season, and How it Could Bring me Back my Spirituality

fall leaves

Halloween, pumpkins, changing leaves, cooler days and nights, that melancholy twilight just before sunset, and it is my absolute favorite. My spiritual side comes out a bit too this time of year, as I remember it coming through right before my hospitalization two years ago.

I would walk in the park. The natural changing leaves falling and crushing beneath my feet. The Northern Wind (as I like to call him) brushing by my face as he speaks to me telling me of the wonders of the world. Fantastic visions. They were all part of a mania long since past.

I am empty, hollow and numb. I used to be able to pray and now I can’t. All the things I usually feel I just can’t anymore. I have been robbed of my spirituality due to medication and I hate it. I know its doing it’s job and keeping me out of the hospital, but where do I draw the line? How do I find my spirituality again?

Being close to Jesus and prayer, and even just the universe is a big part of my life. Connecting to nature and feeling moved by the amazing Fall season is what I love. I am afraid to leave and go out there and talk to The Northern Wind again. What if I end up back in the hospital? Going down that spiritual path is so dangerous for me since I am bipolar. When I connect on a higher level or a different plane, I am unlocking the mysteries of my brain that most don’t ever get to experience.

An orgasm for example. Now this for most people is the height of pleasure. I get nothing from it but a brief burst in ecstasy. Drugs like LSD, Acid, Weed, Cocaine, Heroin and Crack is nothing like mania. I mean I have never tried those drugs, but I know for a fact that nothing can bring me as close to Heaven and God like my mania can. It is absolutely euphoric and oh, so dangerous.

How do I connect again without become manic? I have been struggling with that question for years now. I want to hear His voice. I want to connect to the universe. I want to feel bigger than I am and a part of something greater. I want to let my imagination flow and get lost in a world of wonder and ecstasy. But it is so elusive. My path is hidden from me in a mix of medication and numbing side effects.

When will I get my turn again?

When will the answers come?

Patiently I wait.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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