Have you ever had the worst luck ever at the most inopportune time? Have you ever wondered if your karma is coming in for payment? This was supposed to be an amazing week, Christmas was at the head of the week, and I had plans with my best friend, (and love of my life), and then with my sister to take a cruise around Manhattan for her birthday.
Christmas just killed me because I had such a bad reaction to the Seroquel, that I was totally emotionless and cruel. I had hurt the Captain and was literally kicking myself in the ass for it, even though I really can’t help that the medication has those kinds of side effects and I am a bipolar mess. The week got worse, because when I did end up seeing my best friend, the movie theater we had planned to go see “The Last Jedi” in miraculously lost power, (something which never happened to me in my life going to the movies). He had travelled over 40 miles to see this movie with me, and THIS had to happen. We ended up just having lunch, but all that driving to spend just an hour together? That really sucked.
That brings me to today. Last year at this time, I planned the “Silver Bells” Statue of Liberty Brunch Cruise around Manhattan and it was a nice crisp 50 degrees in NYC, which is warm and seasonable, but still within Winter’s limits. This year? It had to be 10 degrees, (one of the coldest Decembers in NYC history), and we were going on the boat cruise again. Fuck me. When I booked this trip months ago I hadn’t planned on it being so damn cold. We bundled up and made a day of it, and even though we really froze our ass off, the sun was out and bright, so we got some good pictures.
I know these aren’t horrible things. I did get to see my best friend (even though we couldn’t see the movie), and I did get to enjoy the Boat Cruise with my sister, but these minor inconveniences happened that made it SLIGHTLY less enjoyable than it could have been. I know I should count my blessings because things could have gone a lot worse, and people have it worse off, but come on God, give me a break will ya? I already got this Bipolar Unholy Hell cursed upon me, the least I could get was my plans coming through. But I guess, we made the best of it, so I should be thankful, (although honestly being human means we are just naturally unsatisfied when things don’t go right).
The cherry on top was this evening after I got home from my trip to the city. Without going into details, let’s just say I completely ruined my Star Trek experience within my community that I had become a part of, and the Captain, got very upset, yet again. This time it wasn’t all my fault, but now I realize that my completely dramatic behavior is not only affecting the Captain, but my Star Trek family as well.
Being bipolar has become this cross I have had to bear. Many people who suffer from Mental Illness lose friendships and lovers due to the fact that their moods and swings alienate them from people and “society.” I remember during one manic episode, (before I was hospitalized two years ago), I had basically made a post on Facebook cursing out all my friends and then deactivating it. I know most people say “they are leaving Facebook forever” and then come back because ultimately they want attention, but I had actually left forever after that rant. Tonight after this recent blowout with my Star Trek community, I think I may have to give it up. My all around negative vibe and bad “juju” seems to be spilling over into this joyous group, and it is actually one of the healthiest communities around, (hardly any trolls).
The hardest part for me this New Year’s weekend, is getting through it alone. I would have loved to ring in 2018 with my Star Trek buddies, and with my Captain on my arm, but not only do I feel awkward about going back, I feel alienated because of all my bipolar tendencies. I can’t seem to get it together lately and have a good time, and I don’t know if it’s my fucking lot in life to be miserable. Why the hell did I get suicidal tonight? I scared the shit out of the Captain and now that I am going to have to take some time and work out some things, he is going to worry that I killed myself because I don’t plan on being “reachable” for the next few days. Why don’t I just tell him I am okay and that I am working things out alone? Good question. You know why I won’t do the sensible thing? Because my irrational bipolar mind WANTS him to think I am dead. WHY do we do that to people?
I need to find God this weekend as I ring in the New Year on my own, and I also need to find my center. I really wish I can do that even though this goddamn Seroquel is making me so numb. Is my spiritual path meant to be halted, and with my karma being so dirty, that things are just screwing up all over the place? I don’t understand it. I went to a few Tibetan stores in the West Village today, and I picked up a book called “It’s Up to You” by Dzigar Kongtrui. I think Self-Help, spiritual books are a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, but I am going to try to have an open mind and give this one a chance. “The Power of Now” did absolutely NOTHING for me and people swear by it, but I am going to try this. I am also going to try to leave my pessimistic, crappy attitude on the back burner for now.
I shitted on everything that I held close to my heart recently, so I need to step back and start on my road to enlightenment. This bipolar shit has ruined every kind of relationship and friendship I have ever had, so I need a game plan to battle it, that way I can reintegrate myself back into my community and my relationship with the Captain. Meditation and some deep prayers should help. I just hope God listens to me and I hear him back. I took a big leap tonight by vocalizing myself, (instead of shutting down and disappearing), but I still managed to get suicidal and dramatic. Ugh. This is getting out of control and it needs to stop.
I pray for the courage to help me battle my illness.
I pray for a Good New Year.
I hope you all have a wonderful 2018 celebration.
I will be praying for peace.