I am not going to lie and say it’s been butterflies and rainbows for the New Year. But oh, there were some surprises. Ever had an ex-lover pop-up out of the blue? How did you feel about it? Did you feel weird? I sure did. The Literary passed from my memory a while ago. I didn’t think much of him as I journeyed into my new relationship with The Captain. But he was of course, one of the most exciting, enthralling writing partners I had ever encountered.
Admittedly, yesterday was hard for me. I found out that an old friend passed away at a young age, and I was dealing with some regret and grief over it. I slept way too late, and tried my best to distract myself. One of the things I have been having the itch to do, is to write stories. I thought this was as good a time as any to start writing again. My best work has always been collaborations; I get the most fun out of world-building and complex character creations. For this, roleplaying sites were the answer.
I will admit, Adult Roleplaying sites are more lucrative. They have the most passionate and talented writers, who exhibit lots of depth and character. However, since it’s an “Adult” Roleplaying site, the “sex” factor is automatically implied. I don’t have a problem writing steamy scenes with a partner, in fact, I embraced it with The Literary. What I do have a problem with is the fact that most men on those sites have certain expectations when it comes to the sex/story ratio. I am irritated how much emphasis is put on the sex part; I don’t know if it’s just me, but that should come naturally so it will be enjoyable.
Or maybe not.
My senses have come in to question because when the Literary showed up tonight, after disappearing for months, I was not as excited as I should have been. It is serendipitous that he has surfaced again at the same time that I have been craving a writing partner, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like writing with him at all. Initially there was some excitement; his words flowed and we fell into a dance of exquisite literature and flirtation, and it seemed almost flawless. Almost. As he started to pitch me his story ideas, and he started to sing the same song of “let’s keep in touch and write together,” I felt a knot in my stomach. He is full of shit. He has always been full of shit, and I feel like I have had one of those “Aha” light bulb moments someone gets when they realize that their ex-lover was a waste of time and energy, and they have no idea why they invested so much into them. He does this, he always has. He appears and shows interest for a week or so, maybe even a day, and then vanishes into oblivion. He is much younger than me, and when I used to think that he was fresh and exciting, the reality is that he is unreliable and immature.
I am totally numb. I mean when I took a trip down memory lane yesterday and opened up all my old messanger apps, what I saw there didn’t even phase me. The Quiet Man, who I had obsessed over for a few months last year, had removed me from Skype, and basically closed that chapter completely. Even the young actor I had a good time with a while ago reached out to me. I didn’t even check if the Astronomer tried to reach me either. And you know what? I don’t even care. I don’t feel anything in regards to them anymore, and it seems the same thing applies to The Literary. I used to be excited and hopeful to hear from him in the past, I mean I did for all of them, but now I am what these young people are calling, “meh.” Haha, I never thought I would use that term, but I think it definitely applies here.
Writing is my outlet, and it has been helpful in getting over my friend’s passing. This sudden itch to collaborate again is opening up doors for me, so I hope to find a good partner soon. I gave The Literary my e-mail address, but I am not holding my breath. He said he would send me his first chapter. *Eyeroll* What’s funny is, even if he does, I think I am the one who is going to vanish this time. I may have entertained him a bit tonight, but I think that’s a chapter I need to close too.
This has been a very eye-opening start to the New Year, and it has let me see some new truths about myself. I am no longer anyone’s doormat. I am not going to be available anymore for men to just come and go in my life as they please. I have the Captain. I think I’m done. All I need now is someone to write with that’s not a total pervert, and actually wants to write a story.
The hunt begins.