And The Search Goes On…Painfully It Seems



It seems almost endless, and I am just going to come out and say it, I feel like I am wading in a bunch of penis soup. That is so gross, but that’s what it feels like. What is your heart’s desire? Are you on WordPress because you are a writer too? I will admit, I have had a love/hate relationship with writing over the years, and God knows I have blogged about some real nonsense in my time. But nothing has prepared me for the nonsense out in the interweb I am facing.

I had therapy today, and it was good to put into focus some of my goals. I am terrified of starting work again, because I have no idea when this Bipolar Hell I live with will surface and destroy every thing I have worked for. I have used up my trial-work months, in which they give you a handful of time to try your hand at working again. Suffice to say, I tried and failed 5 years ago. Am I going to be a repeat offender? I have no idea, but I know I am getting older and times have to change.

However, the more important goal is finding a writing partner. That has been my heart’s desire for quite some time, and I have repeated this story over and over the past few years.  I honestly feel like banging my head against a wall. I want to write a story with someone who makes my heart race, my senses tingle, and my blood boil. I never thought in a million years it would be next to impossible. The guy I messaged about the “Rogue One” story got back to me, and I don’t know, I was immediately turned off. I had called him “My Savior” because he seemed to have everything I was looking for, and he ruined it by saying, “You should call me your savior more often, you will get more points for that.” Yeah, jerkoff, I gave you a big compliment and you are going to not only milk it, but put me on a grading point system. Eyeroll, and Epic Fail.

It gets worse because even though I specifically said I didn’t want to deal with sleazy smut and porn, he went there anyway. He initially said he liked the “slow burn” and wanted to let it develop in the story, but somehow that led to “I like breastplay so I am going to want to put that in, along with really tight shirts with the heat too hot or too cold for the right amount of nipple exposure.” Yeah. Great. Just fucking great. I do realize I am on an Adult Roleplaying Site, but Jesus H. Christ, can I talk to a decent human being for once? A man who knows class and language and can write tastefully? Why are these damn sites being bombarded with these Millennial Neanderthals? I don’t even want to know what it’s like on dating sites. How do people do this and not throw a brick at their computer or phone?

I don’t know. I am totally “triggered,” it seems. I am frustrated and I am tired. On a good note, I have been communicating with a nice gentleman on Reddit (the blackhole of the internet), and an old friend I met a long time ago on a forum. I have been giving my “writing legs” some work, but I am dying, craving, praying, for someone to write a story with. Maybe I am too picky, who knows. I just think that because this is the internet, people truly believe that they don’t have to respect other people, and think before they type a message to another human being, especially a woman.

Well, time to try my luck again.

The hunt continues.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
This entry was posted in Bipolar, Online Encounters and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to And The Search Goes On…Painfully It Seems

  1. ashleyleia says:

    Wading in penis soup – now there’s a visual for you! I wonder sometimes why so many men seem to think that if a woman is online, she’s looking fort penis. I got a like on one of my WordPress articles (that had nothing even remotely to do with sex) from a man whose gravatar was him naked, holding his penis. Seriously?!?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, the penis soup thing is what totally came to mind! I feel like wherever I turn some guy on the internet is flashing me, it’s almost ridiculous! I totally relate to what you mean, I am glad I am not alone in what I am feeling. Ew to the naked man gravatar!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. FNU MNU LNU says:

    guys want sex? what a surprse! not…

    but some really do just want to be loved.

    and some of us will die without either of them in our lives…

    Liked by 1 person

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