Ever pulled a fake smile? Yeah, we’ve all been there. But what does it feel like to actually have a genuine smile, coming from deep inside you? Even like that ridiculously crazy kind of smile? I am not going to sit here and gush how happy I am or I feel, (that can literally make people sick. Have you been on Facebook?). YUCK. But with Valentine’s Day coming up, I just wanted to share how damn good it feels to fucking smile again.
I have been Queen Mopey for YEARS now, going through man after man, relationship to relationship, bed to bed, feeling cheap and used as all hell, and just being miserable. I think I have paid my dues, and now its time to collect. *Pass GO and collect a bunch of orgasms, smiles, kisses, hugs and love* (Screw money).
How did I get here? I want to say I worked my ass off for it, (because I did), but I think I just REALLY got lucky and someone UP there was listening to all my prayers and collecting all my tears. I am not going to really get into my feelings about God, (I know he hasn’t spoken to me in some time, and that is easily medication related in my opinion), but I know He heard me. Don’t question me as to the why, or the how, or even the “what the hell is wrong with you God doesn’t exist speech,” I just KNOW what IS.
This bipolar madness took a turn today, and it left me feeling empty and flat, (also possibly medication related), and I also felt stuck, and more empty than anything. I was clicking here and there on the internet, (thank you addiction), and then got my ass moving to do some packing. My parents went to the house without me AGAIN today, (I did say I was trying to get my sleep straight in order to wake up and help them right?) Anyway, I decided to turn a wasted opportunity into something useful by getting some stuff ready to bring over there tomorrow. YES, I am going tomorrow, I am literally going to fly out of bed if it comes down to it.
The point is, even though my mood is here, there, everywhere, and sometimes just dead, because I am numbed like Frankenstein, I KNOW I am blessed, and some part of me DOES in fact FEEL. It may come in short bursts, but when I get those good feelings, and they come on strong, they burst from my insides and from deep in my soul. Its hard not to confuse really good feelings with wacky mania, but screw it, I am not going to sit here and analyze why I feel good. Aren’t we supposed to feel good? I guess I am tired of fighting with myself with what is mania and what is not, especially when it comes to how God communicates with me, or takes care of me. I will admit, some of my spiritual experiences have been other-worldly and doctors have argued that I was just bonkers, but was I really? Can they just diagnosis it all away as a manic episode? I suppose they can, but I know what’s in my heart, and I am not letting them take that from me, that’s for damn sure.
So, for those of you feeling like total poop this Valentine’s Day, your ship is coming. TRUST ME. I am bursting with happiness and I don’t even consider myself in a relationship. I am madly in love with The Captain, and I am in deep emotional love with my best friend. Who says you only get ONE soul mate or person to love anyway? Who made that bullshit up and slapped a label on it, cause I ain’t buying it, and I am damn grateful and happier for it.
I have suffered many lonely, pathetic, wine drinking, chocolate binge eating, cry fests in front of a TV on Valentine’s Day watching something insanely over the top romantic like that horror show “The Notebook.” Can they make you feel any worse if you are single? NO ONE WILL EVER live up to that kind of ridiculous expectation, not even the two wonderful men I have in my life. They won’t even be my Rhett Butler, because honestly, Scarlett O’Hara sure as hell didn’t need any man to save her, and neither do I. AND if I am being completely honest, I will be alone in my room probably watching Star Trek, amusing myself online, rather than out on the town having a romantic dinner with anyone. Fuck all that noise, do you know how crowded it’s going to be “out” on Valentine’s Day in NYC? Yeah, I’m skipping it. It will be a nice phone call to my best friend, and of course a night of “Trek talk” with The Captain and all our Trek buddies.
Lame I know, but I am happier than ants at a picnic, and laughing like the Joker in my sleep. (I don’t even know what means but just go with it; probably just crazy talk anyway).