What it Feels Like to Actually Smile

crazy smile

Ever pulled a fake smile? Yeah, we’ve all been there. But what does it feel like to actually have a genuine smile, coming from deep inside you? Even like that ridiculously crazy kind of smile? I am not going to sit here and gush how happy I am or I feel, (that can literally make people sick. Have you been on Facebook?). YUCK. But with Valentine’s Day coming up, I just wanted to share how damn good it feels to fucking smile again.

I have been Queen Mopey for YEARS now, going through man after man, relationship to relationship, bed to bed, feeling cheap and used as all hell, and just being miserable. I think I have paid my dues, and now its time to collect. *Pass GO and collect a bunch of orgasms, smiles, kisses, hugs and love* (Screw money).

How did I get here? I want to say I worked my ass off for it, (because I did), but I think I just REALLY got lucky and someone UP there was listening to all my prayers and collecting all my tears. I am not going to really get into my feelings about God, (I know he hasn’t spoken to me in some time, and that is easily medication related in my opinion), but I know He heard me. Don’t question me as to the why, or the how, or even the “what the hell is wrong with you God doesn’t exist speech,” I just KNOW what IS.

This bipolar madness took a turn today, and it left me feeling empty and flat, (also possibly medication related), and I also felt stuck, and more empty than anything. I was clicking here and there on the internet, (thank you addiction), and then got my ass moving to do some packing. My parents went to the house without me AGAIN today, (I did say I was trying to get my sleep straight in order to wake up and help them right?) Anyway, I decided to turn a wasted opportunity into something useful by getting some stuff ready to bring over there tomorrow. YES, I am going tomorrow, I am literally going to fly out of bed if it comes down to it.

The point is, even though my mood is here, there, everywhere, and sometimes just dead, because I am numbed like Frankenstein, I KNOW I am blessed, and some part of me DOES in fact FEEL. It may come in short bursts, but when I get those good feelings, and they come on strong, they burst from my insides and from deep in my soul. Its hard not to confuse really good feelings with wacky mania, but screw it, I am not going to sit here and analyze why I feel good. Aren’t we supposed to feel good? I guess I am tired of fighting with myself with what is mania and what is not, especially when it comes to how God communicates with me, or takes care of me. I will admit, some of my spiritual experiences have been other-worldly and doctors have argued that I was just bonkers, but was I really? Can they just diagnosis it all away as a manic episode? I suppose they can, but I know what’s in my heart, and I am not letting them take that from me, that’s for damn sure.

So, for those of you feeling like total poop this Valentine’s Day, your ship is coming. TRUST ME. I am bursting with happiness and I don’t even consider myself in a relationship. I am madly in love with The Captain, and I am in deep emotional love with my best friend. Who says you only get ONE soul mate or person to love anyway? Who made that bullshit up and slapped a label on it, cause I ain’t buying it, and I am damn grateful and happier for it.

I have suffered many lonely, pathetic, wine drinking, chocolate binge eating, cry fests in front of a TV on Valentine’s Day watching something insanely over the top romantic like that horror show “The Notebook.” Can they make you feel any worse if you are single? NO ONE WILL EVER live up to that kind of ridiculous expectation, not even the two wonderful men I have in my life. They won’t even be my Rhett Butler, because honestly, Scarlett O’Hara sure as hell didn’t need any man to save her, and neither do I. AND if I am being completely honest, I will be alone in my room probably watching Star Trek, amusing myself online, rather than out on the town having a romantic dinner with anyone. Fuck all that noise, do you know how crowded it’s going to be “out” on Valentine’s Day in NYC? Yeah, I’m skipping it. It will be a nice phone call to my best friend, and of course a night of “Trek talk” with The Captain and all our Trek buddies.

Lame I know, but I am happier than ants at a picnic, and laughing like the Joker in my sleep. (I don’t even know what means but just go with it; probably just crazy talk anyway).


Stay tuned.


About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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6 Responses to What it Feels Like to Actually Smile

  1. Ahh valentines day. The day designed to make people feel bad lol. I’ve been married for 15years so it isn’t a thing anymore, not that it ever was (hubby is about as romantic as a dung beetle) I guess we celebrated the one 16yrs ago because he proposed on it. Oh, and he gave me belated flowers once about 13 years ago but only because my friend guilted him into it…
    Yes, the age old spirituality vs psychosis debate… My relationship with God comes about only in times of euphoric mania, my family and friends actually know if I start ramping up the spiritual talk it’s a sign they need to watch me. Lol. That being said – if I go to a shrink that doesn’t know me and tell them God is talking to me that is fine, but if I say that a leprechaun is talking to me then that is not fine… In my case, it is essentially the same thing. Tis interesting how it is socially acceptable to hear voices as long as they have a religious backing, yet delusions of grandeur would tend to make one believe that something/one all mighty and powerful would want to talk to them. Why would God want to talk to just anyone?
    Chosen or delusional? Professionals are very reluctant to make that call…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, I am guessing your feelings about Valentine’s Day is very similar to mine, and honestly, if your husband loves you, and he does every day, there is no real need for that bullshit holiday, what am I saying? It is not even a holiday! Anyway, I am totally with you on the spirituality vs. psychosis debate. I mean I have talked about it A LOT on my blog and to friends and my therapist, You bring up some interesting points about what is deemed acceptable when it comes to when God speaks to people, but like you said if it was something nuts like a leprechaun, it’s time to call the shrink! I think that’s backwards and a little nutty in itself. I have ALWAYS believed that in ancient times (especially Greek or Roman era), people like us with our euphoric mania would be considered an oracle, or “chosen” with the “gift of sight” It’s amazing how a label is slapped on us and we are medicated and essentially shoved in a corner to be the ass end of society in modern times. Ugh. Backwards indeed. But professionals are definitely reluctant to make that call of whether or not we “chosen” or delusional, is a really fine line they tread on because who are they to say that we are not experiencing God’s love and his words? It is an interesting debate for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. sabthasblog says:

    Go you! Smile away! Your post made me smile too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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