Not necessarily a bad pain either. Sometimes it’s so good it hurts! Honestly, I think we have all been at a point in our lives where we have just stopped, did a double-take and were like DAMN, what was THAT about? I had a real eye-opening one of those tonight; and revelation, epiphany, or even breakthrough doesn’t even describe the feeling I experienced. FREEDOM. That is probably the better word.
Did you ever chain yourself to someone who you KNEW was just bad for you? I mean like wrong on ALL levels. Just a rotten, selfish, immature, infuriating person that we are completely, and utterly addicted to? They are our kryptonite, heroin, and ecstasy all rolled into a nice package of mindfuck central. We ALL had one in our lives at some point. How did you break free? What finally liberated you from such slavery?
For me? Closure. And not just any closure. Closure to the umpteenth power. Times Two. Multiplied by 10000 and raised to infinity. Overkill? Nah, if you were me and had this boy in your life for so long torturing you, trust me, you would understand.
I talked about him a lot in my blog(s) over the years. The Literary I called him. A 23 year-old New Zealand native, with eyes to kill for, a body to die for, and a mind that was so damn sharp, Socrates would have had trouble keeping up. In this case, age wasn’t even an issue because I fell for this one, HARD.
Being a writer is my passion. Creating stories of fantasy, science fiction and even hot steamy erotica has given me so much joy over the years. Writing with someone has been the pinnacle of such an experience, because you get to create a world WITH someone that is artistic, sexy, fantastical, and sometimes downright orgasmic. I don’t have to tell you that for me, words are like the ultimate aphrodisiac when it comes to foreplay, written and said aloud, and even straight into sex. (Yeah, I am usually telling a guy how much he is making me feel good, as loudly as possible, sue me, I’m just vocal). But on the road to getting to that point, the canvas of a good written story is a playground for the senses. The Literary fit into this kind of euphoric, collaboration way of storytelling, oh so perfectly.
Not only that, he always had a gift. An allure and a pull that was strong and addicting. Crack ain’t got shit on this boy. No matter how many times this boy would ghost my sorry, desperate ass, whenever he appeared, I was hungry, eager and willing to run into his arms, or between his legs, (hey, being over 30 makes you have different priorities sometimes, what can I say?)
And boy did he GHOST ME. He took Beetlejuice and Casper to a whole other level. Every single time we got close, and my heart opened up to him, boom, gone, just like that. I don’t even know what it was that made him do it, but I have a sneaking suspicion its the CHASE that is so addicting to him. I had tried so many times to let him go, even ignoring him sometimes when he did come back, because I had just put my heart together again after he had abandoned me months prior. But he was always RELENTLESS in his pursuit of me, stalking me everywhere, anyway he knew how, just to get a taste of me again. And then when he was comfortable, and his belly was full, off he went, gone, straight up into oblivion, only to come BACK yet AGAIN months later, do the same dance, HUNT me like prey, and abandon me, for what always felt like the millionth time.
It was a complete masochist love affair, and I have said many times that I am a sadist in the worst way possible. In the words of my dating guru and overall awesome hero Carrie Bradshaw: “On the way home, I was furious. Not with Big, with myself. I was the real sadist. He might be the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.” This, in essence, was my entire relationship with The Literary.
Until the Captain came. Is it completely wrong that it took a healthy relationship, even with my need to keep things open and free, to make me finally break free of The Literary? I mean, look, I am the type of woman who knows it will never take one man to ever satisfy me, and the Captain even LOVES that I flirt with other men, but what is it, that made me so strong to walk away now?
Confidence. Like a motherfucker barreling down a speedway at 180mph. That hard. With the Captain in my life, I learned to REALLY let go. I mean I had achieved a certain level of confidence after I hit 35, in which I basically raised my middle finger straight up to society’s view of the perfect woman. BUT, with the Captain, came a whole other wave of confidence that basically armed me with the “I don’t give a shit if you come or go, but I will keep on moving” attitude. This applies to BOTH men and women folks. You know what I mean right ladies? The girlfriends that drop you like a hot potato when they get into a relationship, but somehow miraculously finds your number when everything falls apart for them? Yeah, been there, done that, enough of that shit, it’s OVER. Fuck all that noise from here to eternity.
Look, I learned the hard way, that people leave this planet too early. I recently wrote about my friend who I basically ignored because “I was giving social media a break, it was toxic.” Do you know what’s REALLY toxic? Going back to social media and finding out that friend who tried to reach out to you, that you really didn’t have a problem with, but you were just being an asshole because you were high and mighty, ends up being DEAD, and you regret not taking the time to talk to them. Dead. Like at 33 years old dead. Like her number was in my phone, but I didn’t give a shit, because hey, you know, my crap is SO much more important than the people who were there for me at one time in my life. So let’s not sit there and say social media is “toxic.” Let’s take out the toxic idiots and keep in touch with the people who we really care about shall we? That whole “I am leaving Facebook, forever, goodbye” crap is so played out and old already. So stop that shit. (I told myself this too, so I am not total bitch, or hypocrite). Let’s keep the people who REALLY care for us close, and purge yourself of the “fluff/filler” people that are just sucking away all your energy, and giving nothing back.
Anyway, tonight, I turned my back on The Literary. The cycle of pain has finally ended. He tried to reach out, and OH did he try HARD. “I have been messaging you for weeks, why haven’t you answered? There is no one like you, I will hunt you forever, you haunt me with your caramel royalty of sexiness, you are in my soul, plaguing my mind, gutting me every day that you are not with me.” Nice right? The boy has game I admit it.
However, too little too late.
My answer, simply put: “I am no longer your slave. This sick, sadistic waltz we danced for years, ends tonight. I am removing you, utterly and completely. You have the ability to make panties drop at a whim, and I know you will use that power well into your peak years. Hold on to the next woman who moves you, the way you claim I do. Because if you do to her what you’ve done to me, you will lose her, and forever be alone.”
And that my friends, is a moment that hits you like a ton of bricks. Closure to the umpteenth power. Hours later I am still feeling the effects.
No regrets though. When you are letting go of that painful relationship, you bring that gauntlet straight down on their ass. HARD. Don’t even hold anything back.
Hammer time! (With parachute pants)