I Sit Here and Ask Myself, Why Bother Pray and Believe in God, When You Are Told It’s Just Mental Illness?

turn away from god

I can’t even tell you what I face now. In the wake of my recent family struggles, all the drama with friends, difficulty in setting realistic goals, I picked up a book today called “Lord Help Me Change,” and I literally laughed, scoffed and then got so angry I fought furiously in complete opposition of what a “Pure, Good Believer in the Eyes of God,” is supposed to be. (Or what I think it is supposed to be, according to what I have heard about Sin and all that jazz).

I took my drugs tonight, like a good bipolar patient, and couldn’t seem to find rest or peace because my mind just REFUSES to give me that simple necessity. I was angry. SO ANGRY at the fact that reading the pages of the amazing book The Captain’s mom sent me, (from a wonderful minister in Chicago), made me feel absolutely nothing but mistrust and absolute disdain as I laid there in bed. I had been granted with a miracle, escaped the clutches of psychosis, and STILL, I don’t believe. You know, I can’t. I just can’t. Not after all I have seen and done – the pills, the doctors, the mental hospitals, all the alternate realities, and the full on madness of my mind.

I struggle with finding God, I do, because the countless times I have heard His Voice, SO LOUD AND CLEAR IN MY HEAD, the times I heard Jesus himself, the times The Hand of The Almighty reached out to mine, I found myself on the floor of a psych ward, begging the nurses and doctors not to pump me up with countlesss drugs. I can’t, I can’t do this. I am faced with the bitter reality that the safety net I thought I could enjoy for the next few years is slowly being ripped from right underneath me, with me powerless to stop it.

I wanted to turn to God. I wanted my pills to work. I wanted my blog to reach more people. But like everything in life, my words fall on deaf ears, no one hears my call, no one sees me, and I suffer alone and angry at myself that I am nothing but a selfish, spoiled brat. I have been hiding behind being bipolar way too damn long. People suffer with this illness you know, most even fight the battle totally untreated, but they pull it together, go to work, provide for their families and they MAKE it through life. What is my excuse??

And can someone please tell me WHY the preacher who hears the voice of Jesus, and sings loudly in joy and excitement at the “Word of the Almighty Lord, Hallelujah!!!’ Why he doesn’t get locked up in a psych ward for hearing voices? Isn’t the voice of Jesus a voice?? Go ahead, call me a sinner, a blasphemous harlot, I don’t even care. I am angry tonight. I am angry at the fact that I can’t pray without thinking its a damn joke because of what the doctors called my epiphanies, and then in turn drugged me up with medication. Where do I fit in the grand scheme of things? Why is it, that if I were to scream “I hear the voice of Jesus, let’s all rejoice!” outside of a church, I will be locked up in mental institution?

In the face of ALL of this, I still refuse to become an atheist. Despite EVERY logical thing I have learned, EVERY fact that has been presented to me, ALL the drugs that are in my system, I BELIEVE. I laughed in God’s face you know, and yet I know he STILL loves me. I am a fool in the biggest prank ever made, but I was robbed of my rest tonight to reach you out there. You, the person who is reading this post right now. In regards to me screaming that I hear Jesus in my mind outside of the walls of a church, I will simply say this:

Jesus said… the Kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood… and I am there, lift a stone… and you will find me.

So yeah, that’s what I believe, even though that quote is COMPLETELY discredited as being heresay, but that’s what keeps me going. In the face of mental illness, in the face of the horrible stigma placed upon us, in the face of the all the judgmental fingers being pointed at us around the world in the wake of the latest school shooting, that’s what keeps me going.

I am going to pop a Melatonin pill on top of all this damn Seroquel I am on to try to rest tonight.

And I am going to say a prayer as I fall into slumber, scoffing, refusing to believe in God, but at the same time completely, and utterly believing in Him anyway.


About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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16 Responses to I Sit Here and Ask Myself, Why Bother Pray and Believe in God, When You Are Told It’s Just Mental Illness?

  1. Going to stick my neck out on this one. Apologies in advance.

    I’m not a believer. Atheist, agnostic. Call it what you will.

    Having a healthy relationship with anyone relies on having a healthy one with yourself. Before you think I’m railing on you, sounding judgemental, I am not. My relationship with myself is, at best, shitty. You are struggling with mental illness. Struggling, living.

    However you perceive God, however you think He will speak to you, will happen in time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank for your wise kind words! I do know that a lot of this is based on my relationship with myself,. In essence, I have come to the conclusion that God lives with me, you know, within all of us, and although mental health professionals label it all kind of technical nonsense, it comes down to what I believe, what MY faith is and how much I give to my higher power. Thank you for chiming in on this one, I always look forward to your comments and point of view! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • I was kinda scared of putting what I did.

        I hope that you find that voice and the comfort that it will bring.

        Your voice will give you peace of mind. I’m in need of that, at the moment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Never be scared to put your opinions out there dear one. The worst that can happen on a platform like this is someone can block you, and that’s about it. No dust on your shoulders about it!!

        I value your opinions, truly, so never have fear about putting your thoughts here on my blog, I reassure you of that!

        I am sorry that your voice is not brining you peace of mind at the moment, it’s one of the struggles we face when dealing with our mental illness. But your voice rings true in my head, so I hope your inner voice will bring you some good vibes soon.

        All my best! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Also an Athiest – I think there are many followers of religion who do great things like helping out their communities and are genuinely awesome people. I also think that not having a religion is not required and sometimes very harmful in helping and bettering society. In whatever way you believe the universe works; if the bottom line is love then it doesn’t really matter. If you are not being treated then it sounds like you are not treating your body with love, staying up all night- or your family who will worry about you. It sounds like you are really struggling to find what you believe. Personally I’d have more luck believing that Santa clause exists so it’s easy for me. I hope you are able to find some clarity on it with the common denominator of love. I know it really helped me. I feel that if you live your life with good intentions trying to treat people well (including yourself) then if there is a higher power the afterlife is based on that alone. If it’s not then heaven isn’t a place I really want to be anyways. Just my own view

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is an amazing point of view you shared with me! I do struggle with it yes, because of who I used to be, how much faith i put into a higher power to get completely chastised by the mental health industry, and my views and beliefs numbed out by tons of medication. It is a REAL struggle to come to an understanding of what is my mania and what is the divine. I have no problem with love, that has never been my problem. I don’t think anyone in this world can themselves more than me to be quite honest, my problem is the gauntlet that comes down from doctors and all that. But your logic is sound, and very helpful and I wish you well on your journey too. Thanks for reading! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This post resonates so much with me. I struggle with this, as well. It’s not fun to rack your mind on such matters and I have come to accept that there is a higher power, but no one can dictate that relationship to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Uneven Jen says:

    I’ve questioned, too and thought that I wasn’t “sick enough” at times to be “sick”. Where am I in comparison to those stories of Bipolar miracles…the famous speaker who’s overcome her trials and bipolar demons… famous writers, stories in their books of struggle and struggle but in the end, it just works out for them in such a way that they’ve become famous. Do they have something I don’t? Are they better than me? There are so many tragedies worse than my affliction and I can’t seem to handle my problems.

    I believe in God. I believe He helps us in ways we can’t see or always appreciate until we look back and realize that something powerful did happen… that we are still alive

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Jen, I feel the absolute same way sometimes! You know, I have read some books written by some pretty famous people with bipolar, and it all sounds like one manic mess! I am thinking to myself, how the hell did they get so famous? My life story, hell even my blog, is better than their poorly organized literature!!

      I believe in God too, despite all the rantings I did here on this post. It angers me that all my “holy” experiences were shrugged aside by doctors as “mania from bipolar.” I dare one any of those damn doctors to walk into a church and call out a preacher’s “COMPLETELY OVER THE TOP” sermon of feeling Jesus through him as mental illness. It’s bias, it’s unfair, and honestly its a sham. But enough of that, you handle your problems just fine Jen, even though you may think you don’t. The way I look at it is, every day. (listen to me Jen), EVERY DAMN DAY that we keep ourselves OUT of the psych ward of a mental hospital is an absolute monumental achievement. Don’t downplay it hun, its a remarkable thing that we are keeping it together like this. Just keep on truckin’ dry those tears, and if you need to: write, write and write!! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Yes! YES YES YES! Ugh!! My mind is a ball of existential confusion right now. I don’t want to believe in any of it and yet I have SEEN it. When you SEE and FEEL something that you don’t believe in what does that make you? It can’t be delusional because to be delusional one must believe entirely in something that isn’t perceived as real by others… I know plenty of ‘good christians’ who talk to God daily, believe in the messages they are given with the entirety of their hearts and yet nobody blinks an eye, yet when I have moments of divinity I am considered to be psychotic! God would never touch a mentally ill person you fool, you are unworthy therefor it must be mania! PAH! Where’s the line here? Do we have to be completely delusional to be considered sane and yet if we are questioning our own perceptions then we are insane and delusional even though we can’t be by definition? Why are we as a society never allowed to question anything? I question that!
    I think when it all boils down to it I believe in something because I have seen and felt and there have been far too many ‘coincidences’ for it not to be somehow orchestrated…but I hate hypocritical organised religions with a passion, I get the idea behind it, part control for the sake of humanity and partly control for the sake of power. Are the people being nice and helping out as ‘Good Christians’ doing it for altruistic reasons or are they just terrified of what will (or won’t) happen to them if they don’t? We can’t have too many questions being asked, comply and you will go to an eternal wonderland where everything is amazing and perfect and all that you have ever dreamed of! Or.. do not comply and burn in a fiery pit of your worst nightmares for all of eternity. At least I know when I do something nice for someone it’s not because I am just trying to get into heaven or avoid hell, I’m doing it because everybody deserves to be helped or lifted up when they are down, I’m doing it because it feels nice to help and it feels nice to be helped, I want that other person to feel that niceness that comes from being helped WITHOUT an ulterior motive!
    I feel that whatever our own conscience deems us, good, bad, whatever, in our final moments what we believe will by default have to become our eternity. We are our own judges, our own Gods, all capable of being connected to the spirit of the earth that bore us. Perhaps, particularly when manic! lol
    Okay, I will stop banging on now… xoxo Kate

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am glad that you get it!! I have to admit, questioning everything has always been my nature, its a real healthy thing. It does baffle me, much the way it baffles you, that there is a TOTAL double standard when it comes to what is considered, “spiritual” for religious folk, and “spiritual” for us, the ones with mental illness. You are absolutely correct in your thinking, I find the whole thing appalling and I totally found myself in tears in therapy today when I explained all of this to my therapist.

      You know what the amazing thing is? I read him this post from my phone, and he said, “I have no idea what to say to that.” You know what it felt like to have my therapist of 11 years tell me he didn’t have an answer for what I was going through? It’s not what you think. I felt completely EMPOWERED!! Like you know, I was on to something here. That this shit is REAL, not something that is going on in my head.

      No one can give any of us an answer for why religious people that FEEL the presence of the divine are not locked up for mental illness, when we are locked up for having the SAME EXACT experiences. One day I will find the answer, I am gonna get this figured out, I swear it!! I always love to hear from your opinions Kate, you hang in there okay? I am worried about you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Revenge of Eve says:

    Wow!! This post didn’t fall on deaf ears. I felt you were speaking using my voice. Although I do work, I still live with my Ma and many other things that my bipolar enables me to do. You have a large audience who reads your prolific writings and I am honored to be one of the few. You make your point using shocking terms that other’s wish they too could say but you get away with it. You create conversation and that is what I enjoy most about your blog and you. * sorry I got off the post topic 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Eve! Aw girl thanks so much for looking out for me the way you do! I LOVE your comments and I am so appreciative of your kind words! You know it’s all jealousy right? I totally which I could have the audience you have, with the likes, followers and etc. I feel like I work so hard on writing things and it is never seen by anyone! But that’s just a complex I guess. I kinda lost the whole point of blogging somewhere along the line I guess. I started to just write, but now I want to become famous….just like YOU!! Haha, Love you girl! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Revenge of Eve says:

    Silly. I’m far from famous and like it that way. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. violakaroly says:

    I don’t believe in christianity or other organized religions. I kinda just believe in a cosmic intelligence type situation and we try to explain life and spirituality by creating belief systems. I think we are all just trying to understand life and its mysteries the best we can…😊

    Liked by 1 person

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