So since my crazy ordeal last year, I was left with questions about my romantic life. Being traumatized as I was, I didn’t think I could ever have sex again, and the prospect seemed so far out of my reach – I wondered if it was even possible again. After you go through a life-changing event, everything you do and say goes right under the microscope in your effort to “figure out” what and who you need in your life.
I will admit, I became a hard person. I became very unforgiving and angry – angry for what was done to me especially, but I realized these past few months that forgiveness is the key to salvation and peace of mind. God has a plan for me – and I know it sounds so cliché and corny to say that but He does. In a world where we are now taught to laugh at folks who are believers, even talking about God seems weird. But, I know in my heart it’s a personal relationship and with all relationships we’re in, its nobody’s business what goes on in them. So for me, His Infinite Wisdom is teaching me what is good and not good for me at this point in my life and I could give less of a crap about what anyone thinks of that.
I met “The Older Man” a few years ago. Somewhere in my Google Hangouts messenger history is our old conversations, but for the life of me I can’t find it. I know I have spoken to him before at some point in my crazy online dating life, but heaven help me if I know where to look for those messages. I met him again recently, in an Adult Chatroom and sparks were flying like crazy – it was fun, flirty and he was sharp, witty and oh so handsome. BUT – I stopped going and I ghosted him, for what feels like the second time. I have been ghosting a whole lot of people lately and I know I am shitty for doing so but here is my reasoning:
I am alone most of the time, (practically single), but I am totally in love with someone.
So where does that leave me? Alone and horny? Not quite. I have to say, that for the first time in my life, sex is not essential to me in any way. Yeah I masturbate, but who doesn’t? And to be completely honest, I don’t even do it that much anymore because it feels like a “job” that I need to just “do.” And if I am being even MORE honest, I think sex for me now will be just like another chore that I would just end up “doing.” It’s amazing the things trauma can do to a woman’s sex drive – but I won’t harp on that because I have to move on and rebuild from that experience.
I can’t help that I feel lonely sometimes or that I ghost. I mean I do love my best friend, but what do I do with myself during the time at night when I’m all alone? I’ve gone to Reddit and made some great friends but like I said, I end up ghosting them. And the crazy thing about all my ghosting is that I don’t see anything wrong with it and I don’t know how to tell these guys, “you’re boring as Hell.” I am fascinated by the whole culture around internet friendships and romances though – it’s like everyone wants that long-lasting “spark.” I mean I see it EVERYWHERE:
“Looking for something long-term where we can talk for hours and not get bored.”
“Looking to message someone all day and get butterflies every time my phone beeps.”
“Looking for someone I am attracted too – don’t be depressed and overweight.”
There are so many things wrong here because it seems like everyone is looking for something and that something just doesn’t exist. Don’t people realize that a “spark” literally means something that lights up then dies almost immediately? AND you’re only really lucky if a fire gets started – and honestly do you want a fire? Hot sex? Is that what having a “spark” is? To light a fire?? When did we start casually sharing our genitals this way? What the heck happened to courting? And WHY are you condemning people who are overweight and/or depressed? Are they THAT undesirable? I guess the only answer to all of that is that’s just the society we live in now.
But what about lil ‘ol me? Well lil ‘ol me is just a horrible ghoster. I accept it. BUT the one thing I am gonna do is stop messaging people and giving out my KIK. I think if I don’t have a commitment to a messenger, it is less likely for me to ghost. I am gonna stick to chats and forums. Oh, by the way, forums are a lot of fun if you can find the right one. Forums at PsychCentral is good for if you’re having a hard time, and forums like HipForums and Elliquiy Roleplaying, are just for fun and silliness.
The moral of the story is that if I’m lonely, I will stick to casual conversations – because at the end of the day, my best friend has my heart and always will.