I Was Okay, Till Tonight…..


Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can be a benefit or a heartbreaker. It is even harder when you have some sort of mental illness, or in my case bipolar. It seems the world is totally unforgiving, even from people who you thought would stick by you in hard times.

During my last really bad episode, I said a lot of crazy things on social media – mainly Facebook and Twitter. The repercussions for that was me losing every group, friend and gaming partner I had ever built on these platforms.

That realization hurt me the most tonight. 

I used to part of such a cool Star Trek group. In my area there is channel called Heroes and Icons that show all five Star Trek shows back to back from 8pm-12am. Since I talk to my best friend for a few hours a night, I usually made it to my Star Trek group by at least 11pm in time for Voyager and Enterprise. I had tweeted here and there on the hashtag we use over the past couple of months, but tonight I realized that the CHANNEL Heroes and Icons may have blocked me from their Twitter feed altogether – which is absolutely heartbreaking to me. I didn’t realize how bad my behavior really was until tonight.

But you know, I thought about it some. I have recently rejoined a great mental health community called Forums at Psych Central and I realized that maybe all the people in pain must have triggered this “aloneness” I feel. I am not trying to bad talk them, they are in pain and seeking help from their peers – but the fact of the matter is I haven’t felt this horrible in a long time.

The good news is, I have this blog and the few friends left on social media. To be able to write all of this out and talk it out to myself is going to help me get through this. I have been through so much in my life that all the online groups and communities I had been a part of, was probably not a good idea to get so involved in. One thing I have learned is that real people, real friends (like the amazing friend I saw today), is what life is really about and I shouldn’t get so hung up on what I lost in the digital world.

Losing my Star Trek group is probably the toughest thing I have had to deal with though. But, not staying up till wee hours in the morning will help me to get going in my career and on to a better life. And who knows? Maybe I will be part of a REAL Star Trek group in the future, one that is more forgiving. You know, part of the reason it was so easy to block me is that I was just some “crazy” person behind a Twitter handle – if it was a real life group they may have been more concerned for me than just abandoning me. Needless to say that my “real life” friends on Facebook that de-friended me really hit me like a dagger in the heart – people from my old schools, people who I knew in person and hung out with just decided to just click a button and end a friendship with me. What’s crazy is I still think of them and how much they meant to me.

My heart is such an ocean, I wish I had some more friends to swim in it with me.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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