Hormones are Buzzing, But I am Gonna Follow My Heart Instead.

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So, in the age of swiping, ghosting, Vegas weddings, (yes they still are a thing), and the infamous one-night stands, what’s your take on the whole “relationships in 2019??” I mean, there are plenty of people who have found their mates, but what about the rest of us?

I have loved my best friend since we met in 2010. We met on Eharmony, sparks flew, and we lasted a good three years together. After the relationship went kaput, we stayed friends, and remained, to this day, as best friends. I actually have never gotten into a relationship since then, but it’s okay because me and my bestie became even closer than we did when we were together.

I could say I have moved on from him, especially since my little fling last year with a tattooed hottie named James – but every time I want to go have a nice romp/relationship, my thoughts always goes back to my bestie.

Look, things are going great in my life – I am at home with my folks enjoying my time with them, playgirling it around whenever I wish, and on my way to a new career in writing, or going back to school full-time for that elusive degree I have always wanted. To be honest, in my 20+ years of dating, having a man is hard work – all the endless waxing, blowjobs, and whatever the hell else is required so you don’t get cheated on. Yeah, that’s a real issue cause for every good man out there, at least 10 bitches are lined up ready to pounce on your Prince Charming. Sorry ladies, it’s a FACT. So, I am kinda happy and comfortable with my bestie and all the freedoms I have as a woman. I think after you reach a certain age, you grow out of the “ring” and the elaborate “wedding” and you like your big bed and your hairy legs and as Carrie Bradshaw once put it, “Your Secret Single Behavior.”

Anyway, this all is nice and comfortable – (especially since I have a pact with my bestie that when everyone dies out and it’s just me and him, we are gonna retire and live out our lives together), BUT what happens when opportunities pop up for a chick? I am nothing to sneeze at – I am still rockin’ it at 38 with a good amount of 20 year-olds on my tail, but I have also attracted two very nice prospects recently. One of them is a hot 50 something with a rockin’ body and great career, the other is an old friend who I saw recently and I’m looking at in a whole new light cause – DAMN! Was this man this FINE the whole time I have known him?? And his voice can turn any woman’s panties into a creamsicle. Gross yes, but strangely accurate!

I guess what I want to say is, (and the point of this post), is that no matter what is out there, you KNOW it’s true love when you are willing to turn down some nice piece of tail. I mean I think I could turn one (or both) of those guys into relationships, but what happens to my bestie? I suppose he will always be my bestie, but I have just grown so used to him that I will really miss him – I mean I fart and burp around this man! Haha.

I know what love is and I am very happy to have it. Maybe my relationship with my bestie isn’t the typical kind of relationship, but we’ve made it work for 9 years and counting. I love him, I do, and even after I was upset at him a month ago for having a female friend over – he was on the phone with me most of the time she was staying with him, asked me to come over and have dinner with them, AND volunteered to put her up in a hotel because I was uncomfortable with it. But I didn’t want him to waste his money, AND even if he wanted to sleep with her. he can because technically we aren’t in a relationship. I mean if I am out there considering some BOOTAY, he should have that same option right? Fair’s fair.

Anyway, the moral of the story is if you have someone who loves and cares about you, hold onto it and treasure it. I am pretty sure if I slept with one or BOTH of those guys, my bestie would still call me every night – cause that’s just who he is and that’s what we have. I won’t do it though, I wouldn’t be able to live with it because I just love him like oh so much. So I guess it’s no adventures in Cabo with Bachelor #1, and no sex romps in Delaware with Bachelor #2.

Stay tuned.

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The Season of Change

Winter-to-Spring

So who else is with me when I say, “Bring it On Springtime!!???” I am itching to get out there in the warm weather because I think it will bring some inspiration. I am so lost right now with trying to find the right career for my future that I feel some sunshine will just “bring out the answers.” Wishful thinking you say? Possibly. But I don’t know man, I am just desperate for some direction.

I have two choices: Computer Science and English. There is no guarantee I will get a job instantly with either one of these degrees, but damn it, I have to try. I am almost 40 years old and this may be my last chance to get a Bachelor’s Degree. I also want my Dad to see me accomplish something by graduating school. I was such a good student when I was growing up, and it really was disappointing to my Dad that I never graduated High School. I guess I want to make up for that in some way. I understand that it’s my life not my Dad’s life that going back to school will impact, but I can’t help that it’s part of the reason that I want to go back and finish. I had such potential back then, and I still do, but I can’t seem to focus and get it together enough to succeed at a career. Come on girl you’re almost 40, get with the program already!!!

Anyway, I am lucky that I am a position to decide what steps to take with my future now because I don’t really have to work right now. Sure I am dead broke and barely making it, but I do have a bit of wiggle room. Now is the right time to decide this, so I better make my move soon. I think it was serendipitous that I dropped out of that online school and found that other “real” school, (and what I mean by real is an actual campus), because now I think I have a real shot at that Bachelor’s Degree because I NEED to be in a classroom to succeed.

On a another note, I would like to take a moment and thank my Mom and Dad, (and even my little sister even though we are not speaking right now but that’s okay), because without them this bipolar illness would have left for dead in the street. Every day I curse the doctors who put me here and destroyed my life, but you know, I never would have considered a writing career and been able to share any of this with the world.

I have been given a second chance to succeed and I thank God every day for it.

Without Him, we all wouldn’t be here. And for those who don’t believe in Him, he loves you too anyway because He gave you that choice.

Stay tuned.

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Gods and Monsters

So who else feels small compared to the Universe? I think I have always known how big the known Universe was but I didn’t know how God fit into that. In an age where everyone seems “agnostic” or “atheist,” saying you believe in God somehow gets you ostracized. I am not sure where it happened, or how it happened, it just IS now.

I have always believed in God, but as a Muslim born woman, let’s face it – I was basically told to just bow and worship and cover my face while doing it. Soooooo not me. I was just born rebellious and even though I respected my family’s Muslim beliefs, I was in NO WAY getting on that bandwagon.

So, like most people searching for answers these days, I considered myself “spiritual.” The only downside about that is you kinda get grouped into a category of “peace-loving Hare Krishnas having wild sex while burning bras.” Okay, maybe not that far, but you get the idea. I wanted to consider myself as a spiritual person who believed in God and Jesus Christ. But Not Christian and Not Mormon either.

So where in the heck does that leave me?

In the middle of nowhere, that’s where.

You’re probably wondering why “Monsters” is in the title at this point. Well, in my search for God, (without teaming up with any church), I ran into some demons along the way. This demon I live with is called “bipolar” and boy is she a bitch. I experienced things along this mental illness road that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

So how does being bipolar affect the way I think about God??

Well I hear Him now, and probably more than I have ever heard Him.

I wrote a post a while back asking the question, “Why does a priest get praised for saying he feels the spirit of Jesus and the bipolar person who feels the same thing get locked up in a psych ward?” Okay, maybe it’s not that black and white, but in some form, that is what happens and been done for thousands of years to the mentally ill. In fact, people used to get burned and experimented on to the extreme back then too.

Whoa, that just got dark didn’t it???

Sorry about that!

Anyway, between God and the Monsters of bipolar, I find myself still in limbo. Now I hear the voice of the Lord clear, and at times the voice of Jesus too – but do I dare tell my doctor?? Hell no.

I just wish we can get to a point where people’s connection with God can be accepted if they have a mental illness. I know beliefs are accepted, but I know from first hand experience that the overwhelming power and energy that comes from my connection with God is something I will never discuss with my doctor for fear of being thrown back in a psych ward. It happened to me on Easter 2018, and I will be damned if I let it happen again.

But I feel Him.

And I KNOW He’s there.

Stay tuned.

 

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What Direction Is The “Right” Direction??

career

Ever wonder what it’s like to hit crossroads in life? Or maybe what it’s like to get a second chance at something great? Divorced? Moved out on your own? New town? All these are changes people welcome – but what if you’re stuck?

For the first time in my life, I FINALLY have direction. I mean, I never realized how aimless I was until last year. Could you imagine living 12 years in a bubble? Better yet, a cage of your own making?? In 2004, I was handed a judgement of being “bipolar” when I never had been in my entire life, and from there, things just got from bad to infinitely worse. I couldn’t hold a job, I was spending money recklessly, I was sleeping with countless men and worst of all, I BECAME what being bipolar IS by definition in the DSM 5, (you know, that handy-dandy book psychiatrists use to hand out judgements to patients, changing their lives forever – and I could go on and talk about how I HATE that they “box” people in categories like this, but I won’t because it’s too off-topic).

Anyway, I never recovered from that day in 2004 – and for those that know me, this road that I have been on since then has been so, so hard on my mind, body and spirit. On a positive note, I have been given yet ANOTHER chance after falling hard so many times. Now, I have come to a question that mostly everyone has at one time in their life:

What career is the best for me? What can I do to make money and be happy??

I envy people who went all the way in school. They went from kindergarten to college, got out and just MADE IT. (Yes I can see you eye-rolling me), I KNOW it’s not that easy and a lot of hard work and sacrifice goes into all that, but I am wondering – will I get a chance at that??

So now, since all the craziness has passed and I am back down on Earth, I am faced with some options – I have a chance to go for an actual career in Earth Science that would be fulfilling, but the problem is, will I find a job in New York doing that? LIU Post has a great campus 30 minutes away from home, and they offer some great programs, but I just don’t know what I want to do with my life. Can I go to college at my age? And NO online schools are not the answer – my ass needs to go into a classroom and take courses, I have absolutely NO self-discipline what-so-ever! Have you guys tried an online school?? I got in and lasted approximately 20 minutes – no joke – I opened the browser to my courses, looked through and said “I ain’t doing this shit,” and quit just like that, lol.

Anyway, any advice anyone has will be super helpful as I am in a bit of an abyss right now with ideas floating around in my head. I have also thought about putting some real effort into a writing career, but would anyone really listen to my blathering??? I mean, you guys are, but you’re special 🙂

Please fill up the comments section!!!

Stay tuned.

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Love, “Secret Sex Online,” Spirituality and Awareness

cyber artist

In the world of online dating and sex, how many of you have had secret sexual encounters behind a screen? You know, like secret sexts and secret pic and cam sessions online? I ask this because, even though I have a man in my life I love more than anything,  the “sexual” part of our relationship isn’t there. It’s almost like what happens after 30 years of marriage.

I know to most people, sex is an important part of any relationship. For me and my partner, it isn’t. I have always been a sexual person, so the kind of “secret sex” sessions I had online filled the void that I didn’t have in my relationship. It is cheating, and NOW I am finally starting to realize HOW it’s cheating.

I know from reading many blogs and articles, “secret sex online” isn’t really cheating to most people. First of all, no liquids are being exchanged, and for the most part your face is covered and you are completely anonymous behind a screen, (shame on you idiots for showing your face in a nude pic, come on!) And for years, I have been justifying all this secret sex as just a part of my masturbation routine, (a level up from plain porn).

Tonight, I had my eyes fully open to what is cheating and what is not. Being a very spiritual person, part of the best “secret sex online” was Spiritual Sex. What is that? Well, there are certain extra sensory perceptions going on when you are having fun online. If you are not exchanging nudes or camming, a lot of the fun is in the “vision” of the person you are playing with in your mind. You are going off of just words and sext, and the imagery your brain fills in for you can make your body tingle in a way that can be more satisfying than actual sex, (I am talking about the kind of sexting done right obviously, not “bae show ur tits”)  And over time, I have used Spiritual Sex in many ways. I remember camming with one of my friends over in Scotland, and we would just have the cam at our eyes while playing, and let me tell you – if you think locking eyes with someone during regular sex is hot, locking eyes with someone on cam while playing is even hotter. You can literally FEEL their passion through the cam and it can last hours. Obviously, what I am trying to convey is, you can actual put your body in such a heightened awareness with someone who is just as equally aware as you spiritually – ie. erections caused by universal awareness through peace and love rather than erections caused by tits.

Anyway, I haven’t had any sort of Spiritual Sex since I came out of the hospital, (mostly because the rape and trauma in there stunted all the sexuality I had left). But tonight, I had a rare opportunity to revisit my life in Spiritual Sex. I met a guy tonight in an adult chat room and I was very excited to meet a such a spiritual person with strong sexual impulses. We started talking about spirituality when he told me he was having an erection and that he would like to relay those feelings over to me. I laid back and thought about it, and as my heightened senses could feel the excitement of what was happening, (for the first time in so long), the thought of my partner entered my brain. This, for me, was the first time I had EVER felt guilty of engaging in “secret sex online” and moreso the Spiritual Sex. As we continued to chat, the feelings bubbled more in my stomach that this is NOT RIGHT. I ended the chat by just closing the chat window and ghosting him, (another horrible reality of “secret sex online”)

What’s the moral of the story? That I truly LOVE my partner. I don’t care if we don’t have sex, or if we never have sex, I am not going to be able to have anymore “secret sex online,” EVER. He means the world to me, and even though I still have to masturbate to some really stupid porn to get my “release,” that’s just what I am going to have to do. The days of Spiritual Sex and “secret sex online,” is long over.

Please share any comments you have, and if you have “secret sex online.”

Stay Tuned.

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A New Year, A New Vision – 2019

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2018 was Hell. It was Hell for me and a lot of people. So, how does that set us up for 2019?? With Hope. I have come up with a plan in my mind that will get me off of disability by the end of 2019 and into 2020. I have a lot more going for me for the first time in a very long time. My goals are solid in my mind, and I have made realistic moves to make that dream a reality.

Invention: For the new year, I have finally decided to go forward with my “Yoga Chair” invention. I had already got the ball rolling, but I am short about $599.00 to get everything together. However, in 2019 I will have enough capital to get my invention on the market and hopefully make a killing.

Website: In 2019, I am going to attempt to build another website. I mean I put a lot into my blog already, but I am guilty of abandoning it. I need to be more proactive and dedicate more time to my site, be more interactive with people who visit my site, and be more specific in a particular theme or subject rather than being all over the place. Something is pulling me to center it around New York, but that’s just a rough idea.

Retail Job: This holiday season, I had a fantastic job at Sears, (no they are NOT going under). I learned that I need to be around people. For the past 10 years, I have been cowering and hiding in my room from the world, blaming my bipolar disorder and depression, (who else can relate?), and just being lazy. I realize now that interacting with people, helping them, and being overall connected with them is what I need and what was missing from my life. (Here’s hoping I get that Barnes and Noble job I just applied to).

School: This year, I will be going back to school. I am finally going after that Bachelor’s Degree. I hope all my other projects don’t cause me to fall behind though, (I have a tendency to make too plans to handle on my plate). I think though, that keeping busy with all of these things will bring meaning back to my life, (if I end up with an idle mind bad things usually happen).

Investments: This is the year I am going to explode on the stock market. I have a lot of ideas of how I want 2019 to play out, I have the necessary materials to make the right choices, so hopefully between everything I am going to be participating in on this list, my goal of being off disability will become a reality. (I have also decided that even if I make a killing in 2019 between all my projects, I will stay with whoever hires me part-time. I still will need to be around people).

So that’s it. That’s my 2019 wrapped up in a little pink bow. It’s amazing, you know, I never in my life made one resolution, or one goal at New Year’s. Maybe things are finally coming together in a way that will make my life easier in the coming years.

Also, I am finally going to be rid of my cowardice of hiding behind my bipolar disorder. I think we who have mental illness should not let it beat us and get too comfortable on disability. I understand it is VERY hard to even function on a daily basis, but if we sit still and let it consume us by being in bed or at home all day, every day, we will never break the cycle of pain. Getting out, doing something, being a part of your community is the BEST medicine and greatest healer for mental illness, (also taking your pills, TRUST ME!)

So here’s to a prosperous 2019 everyone, may your new year be filled with joy, happiness, and success for you and your families.

And to our troops abroad, thank you again for making our country safe for another year, we are in your debts.

Stay tuned.

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Gaming Culture, Sensitivity and Bullying

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Online gaming. It’s one of those most lucrative and addictive platforms out there and it is probably more addicting than social media or Tinder swiping, (hard to believe right?)

I thought of something today. Why are kids getting bullied in school as much as they are? Why are people more depressed, suicidal and overall anti-social? Granted. these problems have been around for a long time but not to the extent as it is today.

I was playing an experimental online game today, and some of the other players were going around shooting and trying to chase me out of my car that I paid for in the game. Is that funny? Or should I say, is that considered fun? Basically, is everyone just going online and bullying other people online virtually? Some would argue that point as “lighten up” and “it’s only a game,” but a lot of people, (kids included), take their games very, very seriously.

I am an extremely sensitive person. I cry at almost anything, especially if something makes me feel bad. I am not saying I would cry over a video game, (I am way too smart to let some small dicked asshole bully me online to the point of tears), but generally, if I am uncomfortable or in pain the tears just come. They even come down like a giant waterfall sometimes. In addition to the sensitivity, I shy away from confrontation. If I am provoked, my gut reaction is to let the other person go first or have their way, as long as it doesn’t affect my bank account or my family’s safety. You know what that makes me right? A pussy. And you know what, I am glad that I am a pussy, cause all the macho hard asses will be long dead before they see their grandchildren.

We live in America, and we are primed to be tough. We are told not to back down and chase after our dreams. But when did it become a National Trend that we have to break other people down, step on other people, or even insult and steal from other people in order to be successful?

That’s where this new dysfunctional “gaming culture” came from. These games are violent sure, but what they teach is even worse than that. I think a game can be violent, (Resident Evil and Dino Crisis were bloody as Hell in my day), but the culture that is coming out of it is very disturbing. Kids are playing games where they are basically rewarded for going around and bullying their peers. They are taught to lie, cheat and steal in these games too.

It is a sad, sad state for gaming affairs, but I hope one day game developers will come with ideas to promote comradery rather than bullying.

Stay Tuned

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